I spoil Attack Of the Clones for everybody
by CheezPretzel
Summary: This is something I came up with after watching Moonkitti's I spoil warrior cats for everyone series on Youtube. Thought this would be funny.


**A/N: This is something I came up with after watching Moonkitti's**_** I spoil warrior cats for everyone**_** series on Youtube. Thought this would be funny. If anyone likes this I'll do more. Happy reading!**

** (I don't own Star Wars, and I'm not Moonkitti)**

We get a title scroll that establishes almost nothing, only that it's ten years later and Padme is going to Washing DC the planet so she can actually do her job and stop slacking off.

The minute anyone actually lands the ship blows up for no reason, and Padme dies.

Except she doesn't.

Then everyone just casually goes to see Palpatine, who's the chancellor, for some reason. I guess Chancellor Valorum wasn't good enough.

Then Padme and Palpatine talk like civilised human beings for a second.

Palpatine: I'm glad you're okay.

Padme: Count Dooku did this.

Then Palpatine yells at Yoda for twelve thousand years to get Padme some Jedi bodyguards, specifically Obi-Wan Kenobi, because Palpatine loves Obidala.

Yoda decides to spoil Palpatine's fun by sending Anakin as a third wheel. Obi-Wan decides to be a good mentor in the elevator and gives Anakin some dating advice as a prank.

Padme calls Anakin fat and no one cares, or even notices, for that matter. Anakin doesn't recognise sarcasm, and fails at flirting with Padme. It's super cringy and everyone almost dies.

Then Padme's all "Screw this" and goes to bed, leaving everyone else to just awkwardly stare at each other while they wait for the scene to change.

Zam Wessel, some assassin we've never heard of, and will never hear of again, is working for _another_ bounty hunter who's too lazy to do his job, so Zam is doing it for him.

Zam then gets a robot to do her work, I mean, seriously. So the robot releases some evil worms into Padme's room (guess she had a legit reason to be scared of bugs in all those fanfictions), and Anakin cuts Obi-Wan off to go rescue his future wife.

While Anakin is saving Padme from some centipedes, Obi-Wan realises what movie he's in and attempts to commit suicide by jumping out the window.

The robot saves him, but Zam decides to help by shooting her own robot, but then Anakin interrupts because why not. Ms. Assassin goes into a bar, and Anakin considers killing everyone while Obi-Wan refuses drugs, because a high Obi-Wan wasn't in the script.

The assassin loses her arm, thanks to Obi-Wan, and then her life, thanks to Jango. Obi-Wan yanks a blowdart out of Zam's mutilated body, and Anakin stupidly thinks that the mating rituals of humans somewhat involve following Padme around giving her "I want you" eyes.

Everyone decides that Padme almost dying one TWO times is something to worry about, and Padme has to take Anakin to Naboo for no reason other than to progress the story.

Obi-Wan goes to knock-off-Mcdonalds, where knock-off Ronald Mcdonald tells him to google the dart. So Obi-Wan does but he loses a planet, and he interrupts PE with Master Yoda.

Yoda tells Obi-Wan off in front of children, scarring him for life, then Yoda immediately tells him where the planet is.

Anakin and Padme, meanwhile, do weird things, like make pears float, roll down hills, make out a lot, and abuse innocent giant-butt creatures.

Obi-Wan finds millions of identical human men, but not Jango. Then he immediately finds Jango, who escapes after five and a half minutes of screen time.

Meanwhile, Anakin has a bad dream, so he drags Padme off to go find his mommy. After his mom dies, he murders a bunch of tusken raiders, which Padme thinks is sexy. Obi-Wan tries to text Padme, but her phone's on silent because of Shmi's funeral, so it gets forwarded to the council.

Mace Windu tells Anakin to STAY WHERE YOU ARE OR ELSE, so Padme immediately decides not to do that.

All three main characters end up in Bugvill, Arizona, and Anakin and padme go into a factory where they almost die, but R2D2 saves them Then Jango makes his second appearance by taking them prisoner, oh, and by the way, Anakin lost his lightsaber for the second time in less than a week.

Anakin and Padme are going to be executed, and the cockroaches aren't impressed with romance. No one thinks taking Padme's bobby pins away might be a good idea.

The Geonosians are lazy and try to provoke some animals into eating our heros. We have a Rhino-Triceratops hybrid, a crab-looking-thing, and a VERY bad kitty. Everyone is chained to poles, but Padme decides to sit on hers while Anakin and Obi-Wan do all the work.

Party-Pooper Mace Windu shows up and the cops bust up the whole droid army. Then the clones actually attack something. Everyone has a war and Padme falls out of an airplane.

Anakin is the only sensible one and tries to rescue her, but Obi-Wan says no. Then they go get beat up by Count Dooku. Anakin loses a hand to provide some symbolism. Yoda shows up and starts jumping around out of character like a little green maniac. Finally, Yoda has to choose between two people he hardly knows, or the greater good.

Anakin and Padme get married after 20 seconds, and Obi-Wan and Yoda argue about whether or not Anakin is the chosen one.

The End. (Until Revenge of the Sith)


End file.
